Forgetting Read online

  FORGETTING

  Copyright © 2014 by JL Brooks

  This book is a work of Fiction. Any Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously with the exception of Unwind Wine bar, in which permission was obtained and granted with full consent. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the author.

  I wrote this book for numerous reasons…

  For those who have suffered with mental illness

  For those who have battled with cancer

  For those who give their lives to take care of the fighters

  For those who fight for our freedom

  For those who have ever lost someone they loved

  For those who feel as though they have never been loved

  This is for you

  YOU ARE LOVED!!!

  &

  For Shana Shaffer-Ficks, the most incredible fighter I have ever met.

  For Mylee Cardenas.

  And for Dr. Vincent Tuohy at the Cleveland Clinic, the creator of the Breast and Ovarian Cancer Vaccine. Yes it exists. Yes it works. So why haven’t we heard more about it? Because there is no money in a cure. It is sad but true. But we can make a difference. Where others have said no, we can say yes. A portion of the proceeds of this book is going directly to his research, and I will use my voice in any way possible to let others know that there is hope. You can donate directly to his work and know that every dollar will be used to bring it forth at a more rapid pace.

  "We believe that this vaccine will someday be used to prevent breast cancer in adult women in the same way that vaccines prevent polio and measles in children," says Dr. Tuohy.

  To learn more and to make a donation, please visit:

  http://giving.ccf.org/site/PageServer?pagename=vaccine

  Support the Assess and Elbows fundraising campaign here

  “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so they may see your good deeds, and glorify your father in heaven.”

  ~Matthew 5:14-16

  Before you begin, I want to share something with you. From the beginning of time, people have used stories as a way of teaching others important life lessons in a way that can easily be remembered and passed along to others. This method of preserving information is hard wired into our very being for a reason, to prevent forgetting. The only way it can be lost, is to stop telling the story. Books can be destroyed, photos can vanish, and your digital memories are only able to be retrieved with the proper equipment and electricity. What remains eternal is your story. And not even death has the power to affect that truth.

  If you are to remember one single thing from our time together, is that we are all connected, linked forever into what is known as history. Life is a blank page of opportunity, and within all of us is the ability to write our futures. From this perspective, I ask you to stop and reflect for a moment on what story you want to tell. It is never too late to change how it ends. It all comes down to choice.

  On October 7th, 2014, I made the decision to do a radio show about breast cancer where I was paired with the brilliant Mylee YC. I knew nothing about her before that night, and afterwards, I understood even more in how the universe conspires on your behalf to tell an amazing story. And you dear reader, can help us write it.

  I am going to let Mylee tell you who she is. But first, I will tell you a little about who I really am. By day I am a women’s health educator and advocate. My best friend is a cancer survivor who was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer while she was 6 months pregnant. It is she who I traveled the dark road with, and witnessed first-hand how hopeless it can feel. In turn, it also let me see what so many others are up against. The only weapon I possess in this fight is my ability to share stories. Yet I understand the true meaning of the quote, “the pen is mightier than the sword”. It was my writing that has lead me to this moment, to Mylee, and to countless others in this fight.

  Our intention, is together, use this story as one vehicle to reach others who feel that there is no one fighting on their behalf. To “rally the troops” and help us spread the word that there is hope. Alone we are but one flame, together we can light up the world. We invite you to not just read a story, but join us in writing history. By simply purchasing this book, part of your money has gone to support Dr. Vincent Tuohy’s ground breaking research, which you read about and can learn more from the dedication page. You are also helping to support grassroots efforts to support men and women emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. By giving our voices power, it ripples out to others who are in the trenches fighting for those we love, and to those that need our help. Thank you is not enough.

  Now I would like for you to meet Mylee YC…

  Hello Everyone,

  My name is Mylee Cardenas and I am so honored to be writing this letter. I met J.L when we did a radio show about breast cancer together. Right away I could tell that we both shared a passion for sharing information and experience to help others. J.L. reached out to me after the show to continue our dialog. She has a heart of gold and a desire to make a difference in this world. During the show J.L. mentioned the work she was doing with Dr. Vincent Tuohy, I was intrigued given the fact that he has created a vaccine that could prevent so many other women from future diagnosis of breast or ovarian cancer. Needless to say J.L. and I bonded quickly and found that we both wanted to do something about this.

  Before I jump onto my soapbox let me tell you a little about myself. I am a single mom of an amazing little girl who is my world and my best friend. For 12 years I served in the US Army as direct support to Special Operations Teams. After joining at 17 the Military quickly became my passion as well as our family. I loved almost everything about it and I felt as though I was very good at my job. In 2011 I was part of an amazing group of women selected to do a new job working and living with spec ops teams at the village level in Afghanistan. This was the height of my career for me and I felt like I was finally where I needed to be. I was constantly being challenged and learning new things, which was exciting to me. We deployed in August and after my first mission I knew that I had found my path.

  In November 2011 after returning from a mission I discovered a mass that was about the size of a golf ball. I didn’t think much of it because of where were located. I thought maybe it was a boil or worst case a fluid filled cyst from all the vaccines and medications they had us on. I decided to watch it and continue the mission. By January it had grown into the size of a ping-pong ball and was quite hard, I began to get a bit concerned but still did not want to make a big deal about it. I had worked so hard to earn the respect of the people I worked with and I didn’t want it to look like I was looking for a way out. Beside what if I was medically evacuated to Germany and it turned out to be nothing? I would never live it down, so I waited and finished my tour.

  Upon returning home I went off post and paid for an ultrasound this led to my diagnosis of Stage 3c Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The military moved my daughter and I to a new base where I really only knew a couple people and I started treatment. It was not an easy road I had an aggressive treatment plan; Chemotherapy, Bilateral Mastectomy, dissection of my axilla (with removal of 22 lymph nodes), partial hysterectomy, expansion, reduction, max dose of Radiation, and expansion again. Through all of this I was alone with my daughter, my un
it had decided that I was a “problem child” and they became “impatient with my illness”. Over the past 12 years I had developed my own way of coping with trauma and stress. No matter what I would analyze it deal and just push though.

  After the organization (military) I loved the most turned on me I was forced into facing what I viewed as “weaknesses” So in the mist of fighting my Cancer I was diagnosed with severe PTSD related to the Cancer, Combat, and a brutal physical and sexual assault from 2009 that I never dealt with. Life was a mess but I did my best to keep it together because anything less would have felt like failure.

  I am so new to this world of speaking out and having a voice so I still struggle with what to say and I wonder if I am saying the right things. I realized over the past few years that all I can do is share my experience because I really could have used that while going through everything. When you are going through a traumatic situation everything is a challenge and you can either step up and fight back or just go along for the ride. I am so not that person I fought back by educating myself and no matter how terrible things seemed I would find one positive thing to hold on to everyday. I still struggle with my PTSD and I am still dealing with this Cancer thing but I refuse to let this beat me. I will win through educating myself, staying healthy, focusing on the positives and finding ways to keep living to the fullest. My goal is to not let my experiences just be my experiences. I want to share them in hopes that they will help someone know that they can overcome whatever it is they are facing and that they are not alone.

  Which brings me here. When J.L. sent me her book to read I was not only honored but I was excited to see the type of writer she was. You can tell a lot about a person through their writing. The story was amazing and very relatable. You have this story about this tough woman that does not let anyone see any weakness. And then she is stripped down to the most vulnerable she has ever been. As I read it I thought “yup been there”. There were so many highs and lows throughout that I went back and re-read it to make sure I didn’t miss anything. As you are reading this story you will think about the struggle, about love and about the true nature of the human spirit. All of the things that make us human are what make us strong and able to bounce back from a dark place and find ourselves.

  Life is so full of the uncontrollable factors and sometimes no matter how hard it may be we have to let go of the past and just exist in the present. We have to try to understand how strong we really are and to give ourselves the permission to move forward and keep fighting for the life our dreams. In a perfect world we would get to choose what happens to us however, this is far from a perfect world. We have to take it all the good, the bad, the ugly and the true. I have been telling myself for the past 3 years “I may not have control over a lot but I do have control over how I think, how I feel and what I do.”

  Action speaks louder than words and I am proud of the work that J.L. is doing and I want to thank you all for purchasing this book. J.L. is donating a portion of the book sales to help fund Dr. Tuohy’s research. I believe this vaccine should be available to the public but as J.L. says there is no money in a cure. It infuriates me to hear this but it is the truth. So I would like to challenge you all to share Dr. Tuohy’s donation page, do your own fundraisers or whatever we can to help make this vaccine available to the public. Think of it this way a vaccine for the people by the people. Can you imagine a grassroots funded vaccine? Cut out the middle man, if the government or pharmaceutical companies won’t give him the money then let’s raise it. If this vaccine could keep my daughter from ever having to go through all this then I will be upfront leading the charge. It’s all about action…..Dr. Tuohy took action in dedicating himself to creating this vaccine to prevent breast and ovarian cancer, J.L. is working to raise awareness and money to help fund this vaccine and now it is our turn.

  I cannot thank J.L. enough for working as hard as she does and also for giving me the privilege to speak to all of you. Thank you for reading this and thank you for your help in this mission to support Dr. Tuohy. I cannot wait to see what we can do together for the future this vaccine.

  “Yesterday I did, today I can, tomorrow I will”

  ~Mylee Cardenas

  Thank you for taking a moment and letting us share a piece of our story, before you dive into this. A fun fact is that Forgetting was written before Mylee and I were introduced. Sometimes in our lives, something so profound happens, you cannot help but know it is bigger than you. Miracles still happen every day. I want you to take a look in the mirror and smile, because you are one of them.

  1/9/2015

  Dedication

  Dear Reader

  Chapter 1 – What Goes Up

  Chapter 2 – The Great Pretender

  Chapter 3 – Mother Knows Best

  Chapter 4 – The Sun Will Rise

  Chapter 5 – Intervention

  Chapter 6 – Spark

  Chapter 7 – Early Bird

  Chapter 8 – Unveiled

  Chapter 9 – Dry Land

  Chapter 10 – Prey

  Chapter 11 – Fight or Flight

  Chapter 12 – History Repeats Itself

  Chapter 13 – Surrender

  Chapter 14 – Summoned

  Chapter 15 – Reservations for Four

  Chapter 16 – Consequences

  Chapter 17 – Strange Dreams

  Chapter 18 – Puzzles

  Chapter 19 – Surprise

  Chapter 20 – Mirror, Mirror

  Chapter 21 – Eleventh Hour

  Chapter 22 – Finish Line

  Chapter 23 – Bombshell

  Chapter 24 – This is how we say Goodbye

  Chapter 25 – Plotting the Course

  Chapter 26 – The Next Chapter

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  ~ What Goes Up ~

  I loved this town. Despite the hordes of celebrities crawling around Utah in the quaint but luxurious village of Park City, nestled within the Wasatch Mountains and bursting with the distinct kind of charm I savored. Perhaps it was because it reminded me so much of home. The full moon illuminated the powder-covered giants looming all around. Soft yellow lights twinkled in a haze as delicate snowflakes swirled in the howling breeze. While most of those here for the annual film festival partied far up in the extravagant log mansions owned by the uber-wealthy, I preferred the low-key rooms of the Washington School House.

  It was a renovated historic building, nothing frivolous, but absolutely elegant and right in the heart of town. It was small enough that I could slip in and out unnoticed, and was my new favorite place to stay. While sitting at the window to smoke, I couldn’t help but shiver a bit as the cold wind bit through the sheer T-shirt I was wearing. Shaking slightly, I took in one last drag before dropping the butt in a beer bottle and blowing the smoke out through the drapes. The crackling fire did little to warm my bones, yet I leaned in and held my hands as close to the flames as I could without singeing the skin. Watching the young man in my bed with the perfect features sleeping so peacefully, I decided to give him another moment in his dreams before I would violently crash them down.

  My fingertips danced along his shoulders, drawing a sweet smile from him as he rolled over and pulled me close.

  “Damn, Stella. You were incredible tonight. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

  I pushed my fingers a little firmer into his skin to rouse him more.

  “I don’t sleep. In fact, I have things I need to do soon, so I need you to get up. A driver is waiting downstairs to take you to the airport.”

  As he sat up slightly and rubbed his face, I could see the confusion ripple across.

  “Leave? I just got here. The festival is on for a few more days. I thought we would be seeing some premiers.”

  I walked over to the window again and cracked it wide, then lit up another cigarette and inhaled deeply. I normally didn’t smoke this much, but I hated the awkward moments when I was forced to kick s
omeone out of my room.

  “The festival is going on for a few more days, but you, my dear, are leaving. If you choose not to, you must make other arrangements for the remainder of your stay. You were here on a job, which was to be my arm candy. If your agent did not make that clear, my apologies, I suggest you get a new agent.”

  Joshua continued to reel from the rude awakening, looking hurt at his dismissal. I wanted to feel bad, but I was actually being nice. My kindness was feeling short lived, as occasionally these boys did not get the hint. One would think that the opportunity to bang a rock star would be enough, but sometimes they got a little too starry eyed, forcing me to live up to my nickname in certain circles. Fly Trap. I liked it so much I had a small tattoo of the carnivorous plant on the inside of my hipbone as a warning.

  Without another word, he searched the room for his belongings and packed his suitcase. Standing quietly awaiting direction, his pitiful demeanor made me angry, not remorseful as it may someone else. I walked over to him and roughly grabbed his crotch with my left hand and his hair with my right. As I jerked both swiftly, he grunted, yet did not fight.

  “If you have any hope of making it in this world, don’t ever let anything grab you by the balls the way that I am right now. Remember you are a fucking man, now act like one. Get out of my fucking room, I’m done with you.” I spat.

  I held the door open and ushered him out, but stopped him just before he crossed the threshold. I gently grabbed hold of his chin, kissed his quivering lips, and whispered in his ear, “Goodbye, Joshua.”

  Sadly, he was just the beginning. Nothing about the morning was unusual. Accused of being heartless on more than one occasion, I found it much easier to treat men as if they only existed for my entertainment. Twisting my wrist, the firelight intensified the small key etched into my skin. Recalling a time long ago when I actually gave a shit, the key served as a reminder of why I never submitted to anyone, ever, especially when it came to love.