Forgetting Read online

  Tears welled up and soaked his shirt as the music played. I felt his chest jerk under my cheeks, then my mother came up behind us and held on as we shifted in circles. We danced until the song ended, and laughed once we lifted our heads and wiped the tears away. The doorbell rang, interrupting the dance and drawing my attention. Butterflies collided in my gut knowing who was on the porch. On the other side of the screen door, Julian stood, looking nervous, and wearing a brick red shirt with a pair of worn jeans. In his arms rested a large paper-wrapped bouquet of gladiolus. He looked at my tattoos and smiled brightly while handing them to me.

  “I know they are your favorite, I hope you don’t mind.”

  I smiled broadly, while allowing the petals to tickle my nose. “They are beautiful, thank you. Please come in.”

  When I opened the door, Julian passed by me into the foyer, and then walked into the kitchen where my parents greeted him with hugs. A small bag hung from his arm, with a brown cardboard box inside. He pulled it out and handed it over to my mother, who peeked inside immediately and shrieked.

  “Sandy, that’s dessert. She insisted.”

  Julian playfully chastised my mother, while my dad patted his back with the same fondness my mother held. “I hear Raina is having a good day, Julian. It’s been a while since we’ve had you over. Like old times, eh?”

  While I watched in the doorway, the scene became overwhelming. The monster within reminded me I was merely a bystander to a life that was not mine. I set the flowers down on the sofa and walked onto the front porch, then sat in the swing and pushed off aggressively with my tiptoes. The citronella candles gave a sweet aroma to the cool air. Although the mosquitoes were not out yet, my mother had insisted on lighting them for ambiance. I heard the screen door creak open, and wished for nothing more than to be left alone.

  Julian came around to the front of the swing and leaned against the wooden rail. “Mind if I join you?” he asked softly.

  Simply nodding my head, I looked off into the distance. I hated feeling the way I did, but I was unable to control it. He moved slowly and sat next to me, without saying anything at first. We watched the sunset, listening to the sounds of night beginning its serenade.

  Once darkness gave way to the starlit sky, he turned to me and said, “What’s wrong, Stella?”

  “What makes you think there is something wrong?” I replied shortly. I didn’t need to ask, because my distress was palpable.

  “Do you want me to leave? If I make you uncomfortable, I will.”

  Shaking my head, I rubbed my hands together nervously.

  “No, you make my parents happy. Everything makes me uncomfortable, I just need to get used to it. If I could leave, I would, but I have nowhere to go.” My voice was barely a whisper. Shaking from the cold, my teeth began to chatter. I tried to hide it, but he noticed and told me to wait as he retrieved a blanket from inside. He pulled it around us, wrapped his arm around me, and rubbed my shoulder briskly to warm me up.

  “Now where were we? Oh yes. What’s bothering Stella?”

  The smell of him so near and the warmth of his body caused any animosity I’d had toward him to vanish. If we’d been friends in the past, it was clear he still cared about me, because he could read me so well. Even my own mother was unable to decipher my moods from time to time.

  “It’s hard to explain. I feel like I am living a time warp. In my head I know that this is my real body, but in my heart I am someone else. Whoever I became was so unhappy. Every day I feel her inside, just waiting to come out, and I am scared to death of the day that happens. My mom told me that you and I used to be friends. But she also told me that I disappeared one day, which makes you one more person I hurt, and I have no way of fixing it. So forgive me if I am distant, I’m just trying to prevent something bad from happening.”

  Julian’s arms tightened around me. “Stella, do you really feel that you are responsible for the things you don’t remember?”

  “In a way I do. It’s like my dad told me last night; I might not remember, but you haven’t forgotten. I am just protecting people. It’s easier to stay away until my memory comes back. And then no one will have to worry about me.” I tried to hold in the sobs, but they choked out in tiny bursts.

  “Your dad told you that last night?”

  Nodding my head, I wiped my nose to keep it from running onto Julian’s shirt. His breathing increased, and he appeared to grow angry.

  “Julian, he’s right. It’s okay. He’s just watching out for my mom. I get that no one knows what happened to me, and what little they did know, I told them not to tell me. Just like with you, whatever I did to you, please don’t tell me, because I am unable to atone for it. And if and when my memory comes back, just know in this moment, I am so very sorry.”

  Julian’s hand came up to my cheek and wiped away the tears as they fell toward my chin. I sniffled, then laughed and wiped my nose against my arm again.

  “Stella, I was never angry at you. Hurt? Absolutely, I was devastated. I won’t tell you why, but I will tell you this—we were not just friends, you were my best friend, and I have missed you so much. When I saw you this morning, it took everything in me not to pull you into my arms. I didn’t want to frighten you. I knew you were scared, and that’s why I didn’t follow you.”

  I tried to smile, but could not stop the tremble in my lips. It was no wonder he made me feel so many different things. He knew me better than I knew myself.

  “I’m still sorry, Julian,” I uttered while more tears fell over his hand, which remained pressed against my cheeks. He pulled me close, and my face rested upon his chest where I could hear his heart pounding furiously.

  “I still love you, Stella,” he said.

  ~ Spark ~

  Julian’s revelation sent electricity through my veins, down to the very tips of my fingers and toes. I still love you.

  I swallowed back hard, and then jumped after the screen door creaked open, my mother stopping at the threshold. “Well, aren’t you two cozy. Supper is on the table and your father is starting to howl with hunger pangs. Best you get in here before there is nothing left.”

  Julian held me in place while glancing over his shoulder and responding. “We will be right in, Sandy.”

  She smiled at us both before gently closing the door. Turning toward Julian with my head lowered, I breathed deeply to settle my palpitating heart.

  “I shouldn’t have said that, Stella. I’m sorry. It’s just . . . this is hard for me.”

  I worried my lip out of concern, and started to get restless. I slipped the blanket off my shoulders, then stood and turned around, reaching my hand out with a grin. “It’s just spaghetti. I think we can manage.”

  Julian’s face broke into a beautiful smile. He took my hand in his, and pulled me into the same familiar embrace from earlier in the morning. I buried my nose into the corner of his neck, and closed my eyes while inhaling his scent. A spark ignited in my brain, causing my body to jerk for a split second. Embarrassed, I tried to pull away.

  “Stella, what just happened?” he asked with concern.

  Avoiding his stare, I could feel the tears fighting to the surface. He used his hand to gently bring my chin upward, and the pad of his thumbs stroked my cheeks softly to wipe the dampness away.

  Shaking my head, I took a step back. “I don’t know. I just smelled you, and there was this flash. It was so fast.”

  Julian took a firm step backward, and placed his hands behind his neck while looking at me in deep thought. Several awkward moments passed before he seemed to resolve whatever conflict was raging in his own mind. “Stella, I want you to smell me again. I know it sounds weird, but please, just try it. I think it’s important.”

  I looked at Julian hesitantly. He kept his posture rigid, and was completely serious. I stepped toward him slowly, then gently placed my fingers on his ribs and leaned closer. He held his own breath as mine gently swept across his neck. Inhaling deeply, I felt more relaxed, but the sp
ark was gone. Disappointed and unsure of what was to be expected, I lowered down onto my heels and stepped back. The look on my face told him that whatever he was hoping would happen, did not. He placed his hand on my lower back, and guided me into the house.

  With a hushed voice, he eased my anxious thoughts. “Some things take time. There is no need to rush. I think I know what happened, but we can talk about it later. It’s a good sign.”

  I turned and smiled while entering the dining room. Sandy had already opened a bottle of wine and was laughing with my father, whom Julian sat next to after pulling out my chair. The music played softly in the background, as my family home felt full of life. Everyone seemed at peace in the moment, even me. Throughout the dinner, I couldn’t stop looking at Julian, taking in his every feature and nuance. The way his bone structure was strong and sharp, and how his eyes were constantly moving about in assessment, breaking everything down in his mind, despite his leisurely demeanor. My gaze fell to his lips, but did not remain very long before my wanderings were interrupted.

  “Stella, stop it. It’s rude to stare at people,” my father said, admonishing me sternly.

  Immediately, the air was pulled out of my lungs at the childish scolding. I clenched my jaw to keep from getting upset, and lowered my eyes to my plate while pushing the last bites around. My appetite had vanished, and I wanted nothing more than to disappear.

  “I am sorry, Julian,” I said quietly.

  The mood of dinner had changed, and suddenly grew quiet. I wanted nothing more than to see his face again, but dared not take another glance.

  “Stella, look at me,” Julian said gently.

  I refused, and the tears welled up in my eyes. I hated this feeling.

  He then repeated himself with more authority. “Stella, look at me.”

  I slowly raised my head, and our eyes met as the tears poured down. I looked over to my father, and his face was full of resentment at being challenged in his own home. I turned my head, pushed my plate away, and requested to be excused. No one responded, so I started to scoot my chair back.

  Before I could rise, Julian brought his fist to his mouth and coughed to gain attention.

  “You know, Stella, your memories are tied to your senses. The way things taste, sound, feel, smell, and look. At any given time, a particular stimulus can trigger them. If looking at me helps you to remember something, stare as long as you like. I don’t mind.”

  He laughed to break the tension, but I could not stop the quiver in my chin. After choosing to ignore my father’s sour behavior, I could see the look on my mother’s face hoping for things to settle.

  I scooted my seat back toward the table and chose to sate my curiosity. “So, Julian, how is it you happen to know so much about memories?”

  His face became a bit more serious, and he looked to my parents before coming back to me. “Back in New York, I did a lot of work at the VA hospital with soldier’s returning from war. My time in Afghanistan really opened my eyes, and I saw a lot of good men break down from mental health issues, especially post-traumatic stress disorder. Unless you have been there, it’s really hard to understand. I convinced the mental health staff to adopt more holistic practices, in addition to the medications. I guess you could say Sandy had a bigger impact on me growing up than I realized.”

  I looked over to my mom, and her face was beaming with pride. The connection made more sense than her just caring for his ailing mother, and it also raised more questions about Julian.

  “What exactly did you do in the Navy?”

  Julian looked over to my mother, as if unsure about disclosing his position. Her face could not have been any brighter.

  Gauging his hesitation, she answered for him. “He is a doctor, Stella. A psychiatrist, and a damn good one.”

  My mother’s use of a curse word caused me to pause. I understood why Julian might be hesitant to tell me what he did. Thoughts swarmed my brain about the strange encounter. What were the odds I would run into, or should I say away from, someone who might actually understand where I am and what I am going through. Suddenly, his intense gaze was no longer magnetic, but intimidating. He wasn’t attracted to me, he was analyzing me. He knew who I was, and wanted to help my mother. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as my skin grew tight and uncomfortable. I wanted out of my chair, the house . . . my very body. The confused stares of those around the table only amplified the terror that was starting to grow within.

  “I . . . I . . . I need to go on a walk. I am sorry. Excuse me,” I choked out. I bolted from my chair and heard the others clamoring after me, but I refused to turn around. I just wanted to run as far away as I could. Tears clouded my vision as my feet struggled not to slip on the gravel road. Julian was not far behind, as I could hear the crunching rocks beneath his feet. He did not call out or try to stop me. From a distance, he kept my pace and allowed me to exhaust all of my energy. When I finally stopped and was panting heavily, Julian’s face was full of genuine concern. He still said nothing, and waited for me to speak first.

  “Well, doctor, aren’t you going to say anything?” I asked sarcastically.

  “Stella, stop. I am not here to treat you.”

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “I already told you. You were my best friend. Do I want to help you? Absolutely, but only if you want me to. You are not my patient. I would never cross that line without being invited. There has to be a level of trust, which is earned.”

  He was right in knowing I did not trust him. I wanted to more than anything, and felt like I could. But if nothing else, I have learned feelings are wild and uncontrollable demons. If only he could help me to control those, there might be hope for me.

  “Did my mother ask if you would treat me?”

  Julian wrestled once again with telling me the truth, carefully formulating the words in his head, but deciding to be honest. “Yes, she did. But I told her no.”

  We began walking back slowly to the house, allowing long moments to pass between us. Crickets continued the evening serenade, along with the frogs and other creatures of the night. It was dark, with only the porch light off in the distance. The moon was casting a low glow on the dirt road, contrasting the small pebbles against the roadside brush.

  “Why did you tell her no, Julian? If you thought you could help me, and you wanted to, what stopped you?” I wasn’t sure I truly wanted to know the answer, but there was nothing to lose. I had been avoiding so many questions, but I deemed this one necessary, as it dealt not with the past, but the present.

  He exhaled heavily and slowed down a bit more. “I am not really in a place mentally to be guiding other people. It takes a lot out of you to break down those barriers. It is very rewarding work, but you have to be able to separate yourself from it to make the best decisions. With you, it would be personal. Professional objectivity is important for any physician, so the practice is largely discouraged. Look at your own mom as an example. For the most part, others have treated you. Sandy oversees the care of course, but often personal feelings have interfered, and she was forced to take a step back.”

  I nodded in understanding and stopped on the first step of the porch, then turned around and placed my hands on Julian’s shoulders. I did not know him, but I could feel the weight he carried. He was incredibly stoic, but I sensed he was tired.

  “Julian, who is taking care of you?” I asked quietly.

  The muscles in his arms tensed beneath my palms and he swallowed hard. He turned his head and breathed out, then he brought his gaze back to mine. “Nobody takes care of me, Stella,” he said solemnly.

  I released my own breath and stepped back off of the porch, while looking Julian square in the eyes. In just one day, he had surprised me several times over. Without asking, I reached my arms around his waist and squeezed tightly. His arms folded softly over mine as he tucked his nose into the crook of my neck.

  “Well thank you for taking care of me today, Julian. It mean
s a lot.”

  He squeezed a bit tighter and let go, then he stepped back and looked up to the house. “I have to go, do you mind telling your folks goodbye and thank you for dinner?”

  Nodding, I replied, “Yeah, of course. Will I see you again?”

  His mouth cracked into one of those dizzying smiles. “Do you want to see me again?”

  I rolled my eyes and laughed lightly. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t, silly.”

  Julian took a step forward, so close I could smell the soap and sweat clinging to his shirt. “How about coming by the bakery tomorrow, and actually coming inside.”

  I curled my nose at his sarcastic humor, then blushed. The magnetic force of his stare returned and caused my heart rate to speed up. “Tomorrow it is,” I whispered.

  “See ya.” He smiled back.

  Walking to his truck, he had a little skip to his step. The flutters in my stomach were just as nerve wracking as the fifty other emotions that barreled through me at any given time. I would take those over the sinking feeling any day. He waved before turning onto the dark road, and I watched as the red tail lights disappeared.

  I failed to realize my mother had been sitting on the front porch the whole time we were there, hidden beneath the porch light out of view.

  “Momma, you startled me!” I laughed.

  She patted the seat next to her, inviting me to sit. “Stella, are you okay now?” she asked with worry in her voice.

  “Yes, I am sorry I ran off. I don’t know what came over me.”

  “It’s okay, Stella. Julian seemed to know what to do. It’s funny, I asked if he would take you on, and he told me no. Yet it appears he has somewhat changed his mind and is helping you.”

  I shook my head. “No mama, he didn’t. He said it went against being a doctor. He wants to, but doesn’t feel he should.”

  My mother wrapped her arm around me, and she pulled me closer into her side. I laid my head on her shoulder while our tip toes pushed the swing back and forth.