Forgetting Read online

  “What are you doing?” He groaned.

  I brought my lips to his ear, opened my mouth, and let the warm air caress the shell, before curling my lips into a smile. “Exerting my independence.”

  ~ History Repeats Itself ~

  Julian laughed at my boldness. My attempts to be a seductress fell upon a well-seasoned soldier.

  “Why are you laughing at me? Do you find this funny?”

  He shook his head and brought his lips closer to my mouth. “No, I find this ironic.”

  “How so?” I asked with a pout.

  He responded with the same lightheartedness. “Because this is the same thing you did the first night we were together. You had me come out here to the cove and you tried to seduce me.”

  “Did it work?”

  His pupils dilated while his hand trailed down my waist. “Of course it did. I was an eighteen-year-old boy, hopelessly in love with you.”

  I giggled and allowed my lips to meet the soft curve of his neck. “Will you indulge me once more then?”

  Reaching down to grab his hand, I brought it to my breast and squeezed over his fingers.

  Julian’s head tilted back and he exhaled loudly.

  “Tell me how it happened. How did I lose my innocence?”

  My wording caused a moment of hesitancy, yet did not stop his eyes from devouring my body. He bent down and gently lifted me up. With my legs cradled in the crook of his arm¸ I smiled while being carried the short distance to the bed. When he set me down, I tried to scoot toward the headboard, but his fingers grabbed my hips and held them in place.

  His eyes found mine and they were dark and full of need. “I am not going to tell you, Stella. I want to show you.”

  I watched anxiously as his hands moved over my bare stomach and thighs. Soft lips brushed down my legs, followed by gentle bites. “I love this piece,” he said.

  I looked down and watched his face as he traced the tattoo along my upper thigh with his fingers and a broad smile.

  “Why?” I asked curiously.

  Julian tilted his head and started at the bottom of the tattoo, which was near the back of my knee.

  “This is the life cycle of a vine, and the harvest. Only someone who has seen it first-hand could know to ask for such important details. The type of leaves, the color and shape of the fruit, the pruning. These are my grapes, I know them well. But most importantly, I know it meant something to you, and you thought of me after you vanished.”

  I looked at the design once more with new understanding. “Why do I feel like all of my tattoos have something to do with you?”

  Shaking his head, his eyes found the Venus flytrap. But he would not touch it. “I can see where some might, but I don’t think that one does, especially considering its placement.”

  Intrigued by his analysis, I asked him to explain further. Although the stories sidetracked from my original intention, I relished in being so intimate with Julian while discovering more about who I was.

  “Well,” he said, “across your hipbone, you have a large cluster of grapes ready to be cut. The next step would be to press them. I used to tell you that your taste was sweeter than any grape I had ever tried, and got me drunker than any wine on earth ever could. If that is why you chose to do the tattoo this way, I would imagine the other is a form of warning.”

  I shivered thinking about anyone touching me but him. That part of my past was one I was curious about, but without truly knowing who I had been with, I had to contend with the present. I didn’t want to think about those things. I only wanted to focus on Julian.

  “So apparently, for the most part, I loved you so much I made my body a walking shrine of devotion. I would say that is kind of weird, but sweet, like when Van Gogh cut off his ear.”

  Julian laughed and leaned up to remove his shirt. The breath caught in my throat—not at how incredibly hard muscled and perfect he was beneath the thin piece of cotton, but that he had his own memorial dedicated to me in ink, though not nearly as elaborate. On the left side of his chest, over his heart, was a simple keyhole. On my left wrist was a key that matched perfectly. He lay on his side, reached for my hand, placed it over the tattoo, and exhaled deeply.

  “I would have cut off my ear for you. I would have done anything for you. Losing you nearly killed me, and I know what it’s like to almost die,” he said softly.

  I closed my eyes, thinking about the breath being stolen from his lungs.

  “I know about the IED. Your mom told me. I am so glad you are alive. If it happened and I discovered you didn’t live, I know it would have been so much harder for me to cope. I don’t want to think about a life without you in it.”

  Julian brushed the short hairs across my forehead. “Sssshhhh . . . you are supposed to be seducing me right now. What happened with that?”

  I raised my brows and giggled. “I believe you were going to show me how good of a job I was doing.”

  Giving a mischievous grin, Julian sat up and shifted my hips. Slowly, his hands ran up and down my body, before he pried my shaking legs apart. I gasped when his lips grazed my skin and began to give intermittent licks along my thighs, keeping his eyes locked on mine until he made his way down to the most intimate part of me. I cried out the moment his tongue hit my center, and he worked fastidiously to bring me pleasure. I was unable to keep my eyes open, and melted against the mattress. Gripping the sheets, his shoulders, anywhere I could place my hands to find a balance, I felt myself mentally falling apart beneath him.

  I allowed my labored breathing to subside, and Julian’s lips danced back up along the center of my torso, onto my neck, and back to my mouth.

  “Does this feel good?” he asked.

  “This is incredible,” I squealed delightfully.

  Now rested between my legs, I could feel his erection through the rough denim of his jeans pressing painfully into my swollen crest.

  “Kiss me Julian,” I begged.

  He leaned down, and his lips met mine tentatively. I pulled back and looked to him for answers. He rolled away and started to remove his pants. Standing at the edge of the bed, he seemed unsure if he should get back in. There was no way I was letting him change his mind, now that I had an idea of what was possible. I crawled onto my knees, and leaned up to where he stood. My lips pressed gently against his sternum, while my hand explored over his trunks. I felt his cock twitch in my palm as I slowly moved across the thin fabric, then I noticed his chest jerk momentarily. I looked up at him with a playful smile, seeking confirmation that I could proceed.

  His hand gently massaged the back of my neck as I slid my fingers slowly along the thick band of the trunks and felt the soft skin of his abdomen. I gently rolled the fabric down, wanting to savor this moment as long as I could. Although I knew in my mind I had been with him before, I couldn’t remember it. These memories were fresh, and would be mine alone. I closed my eyes and smelled his skin, licking the hollows of his abdomen, and tasting the saltiness on my tongue. Julian took incredible care of his body, and I wanted to devour every inch of it. He stepped back and pulled the trunks down, then kicked them to the side. My eyes darted to the rock-hard extension proudly raised to the sky. Pursing my lips in approval, I raised my right hand to my brow and gave a salute.

  “Did you just salute my dick?” he asked in a half-humored tone.

  “Isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you want to show respect?” I giggled.

  Julian shook his head and stood in front of me again, moving his palm up and down slowly along his length. I was unable to tear my eyes away, and immediately wanted to know how it would feel in my own hands. I could see a small droplet form at the top, which he wiped away with this thumb. He reached out with his other hand, and brought mine up to replace his and mimic the smooth strokes. He showed me how much pressure he liked, and how fast he wanted me to go. Another droplet formed and I couldn’t contain the urge to know what it tasted like. I dropped my head, took him into my mouth, and gently suck
ed.

  “Fuck,” Julian yelped.

  I jerked away in fear that I hurt him somehow. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and apologized.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to . . .” I choked out.

  Julian pulled me back up and held both sides of my face to look at him. “No, no, baby. I just wasn’t expecting that. You didn’t do anything wrong. I am just surprised, in a good way. I haven’t been with anyone in a really long time, and I want this to be about you. I don’t want you disappointed.”

  He could tell I was confused.

  “Why would I be disappointed?”

  Julian laughed and rubbed his brow, trying to determine the best way to explain. “Honestly, Stella, if we do this, I won’t last very long the first time. I know the moment I feel you, it will probably be over within seconds. But after that, it’s on.”

  I smiled and wondered aloud. “Did that happen the first time, too?”

  He turned a slight shade of red, and I was thankful he found this conversation funny.

  “Actually, it did. But I more than made up for it, just like I will tonight if you let me,” he said sincerely.

  “Then what are you waiting for?” I pounced up excitedly, but he looked around the boat and seemed frustrated.

  “I don’t exactly have what I need here. I wasn’t expecting this. We can go back out, but I doubt anything is open, and I don’t have any at the house. Fuck!” Julian lightly hit the wall and banged his head a few times. He turned back to see me sitting completely naked on the bed, waiting with a huge smile on my face, and he didn’t share my sense of mirth.

  I crawled off the bed and reached for my purse, then pulled out a small box of condoms and walked over to him proudly. “You don’t need these, but I got them just in case they would make you feel better.”

  “Why don’t we need them?” Julian asked, puzzled, while holding the box tightly.

  “Haven’t you looked at my charts? Apparently I had an IUD placed a few months before my accident. They left it in. I have to check the strings, which feel like fishing wire, so I hope they don’t poke you or anything.”

  I went to keep rambling, and Julian stopped me with his finger across my lips. “Stella, it’s really okay. It won’t feel like that. Thank you for your concern, and yes, I have seen your charts, and I did know. I just forgot. This wasn’t something I thought would happen, so I paid little attention to those parts of your health history. And as much as I love talking about you and medicine, my lips would be better served doing other things.”

  My heart instantly sped up as our mouths collided. Falling back onto the bed, I savored the weight of him pressing down onto me. With one arm balancing his body weight to the side, the other reached down and grabbed his cock, then slid the head gently up and down, teasing my entrance. It felt as though I truly had a Venus flytrap, and I wanted to snare him between my legs. I moaned impatiently, and in return, he smiled against my neck.

  “Say my name, Stella.”

  “Julian.” I sighed.

  I felt the tip enter a bit then withdraw, causing me to whine in protest.

  “Say it again, Stella.”

  Breathlessly I huffed out, “Julian.”

  I quickly realized what he wanted, and began to chant his name over and over again as he sank his hips and filled my body. His full weight pressed into me, while he grappled with restraint. Unconsciously, my channel clenched around the unfamiliar presence.

  “Stop it.” He laughed.

  “I can’t! My vagina has a mind of its own.”

  Julian leaned back up on propped elbows and hovered over my face. I lifted my head to kiss his nose and smiled sweetly. For the first time since we found one another again, his face was fully relaxed. There was not one line of worry or concern.

  “What are you thinking about?” I asked him.

  He frowned slightly turned his head away. “About us. The future. What will happen?”

  Sadness trailed his words.

  I reached up and brought his gaze back to mine. “Stay with me, Julian. Don’t think about later.”

  Realizing the propensity we both held for thinking the worst, he brought his focus back and twisted his hips. I cried out his name, and locked my ankles around his waist to pull him closer. He instructed me to drop my legs, gently pressed them back, and rested my calves against his shoulders.

  “Tell me if this is too much, Stella,” he said while sliding in slowly.

  My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I moaned loudly. I couldn’t stop the noises from leaving my chest each time I felt him move deeper. With each intake of air, I exhaled his name. Our skin began to grow warm, with a thin sheen of sweat forming between us. The passion created an intoxicating aroma, and my mouth became parched from breathing so heavily. Every sensation my body was experiencing burned deeply into my consciousness. The way I felt small beneath Julian, so safe and protected, and how every skilled move of his hand was driven by memories of us. He knew exactly what to do to drive me to the unknown, and he held me tightly enough that I knew I could let go. With one final thrust, I screamed his name before feeling my body jerk uncontrollably as waves of warmth radiated through each limb. Through the fog, I heard him call out for me as he found his own release.

  It was as if I left my body and connected with heaven, before crashing back down. Our bodies separated, and I felt a void of emptiness between us. I didn’t want to need him this way. Curling into his chest, I let the tears fall. His arms encompassed my body, pulling me close and offering comfort through the myriad of complex emotions. I felt my eyelids grow heavy, but one last gift poured out of my heart. I leaned up and kissed the keyhole, then rested my palm over it. With sleepy words, I was unsure if he heard me. However, the tightened grip and kiss on my head told me he did.

  “I love you, too,” he replied.

  With that, I had the anchor I needed to enter the darkness at peace. And I prayed to God it wouldn’t be the last time.

  ~ Surrender ~

  The start of the engines roused me from a deep slumber. Unsure if the night before really happened, or was just a lucid dream, I sat up to rub my eyes and felt the strain in my muscles and tenderness between my legs. It had most definitely happened, and the realization caused me to smile. The only feeling I could remember that surpassed it, was the rush of pounding against the road when I ran away from Julian. Laughing to myself, I rolled off the bed and rifled through my bag for the shorts and long sleeve shirt I packed. Several times I had to hold the wall for balance, as the boat skipped across waves at high speed. I grabbed the rails to the upper deck, made my way to the captain’s chair, and wrapped my arms around Julian’s waist from behind. Rather than sinking into my embrace, he pulled my arms away and turned around with a frigid stare. The man standing before me was not the same man who only hours earlier sent my body into an exquisite chaos.

  “What’s wrong, Julian,” I shouted. I could tell that something was definitely amiss, but for the second time, I chose to ignore it. Looking out onto the banks of the lake, I could see my parents’ dock off in the distance.

  He slowed the boat down, and finally decided to speak, but refused to look at me. “Last night was a mistake, Stella. It should have never happened.” Julian’s face dropped slightly as he forced the words out.

  I waited for more to be said, but nothing else came. A million emotions collided in my brain, careened into my heart, and then settled in my stomach like a heavy rock. Parts of me wanted to sink into the ground and cry, but those parts were negligible judging by the speed at which my fingers curled into a ball and landed painfully against his perfectly-chiseled jaw. With eyes focused on the water, he wasn’t expecting such a violent reaction, and was taken off guard. The boat was going slow enough not to veer into the banks, and Julian instinctively pulled back the throttle after hitting the side of the boat. He rubbed the sore spot with his hand and breathed deeply, yet remained silent.

  Adrenaline was still coursing thr
ough my veins, and the punch only amplified my anger.

  “People make mistakes all the time; it doesn’t justify treating them like garbage. I am not a mistake!”

  Before I could continue arguing, he pulled off to the side and killed the engine. “Stella, stop twisting my words! I said last night was a mistake. I never said you were. And I am not trying to treat you like garbage. I just can’t do this, we can’t do this. Everything will fall apart.”

  A flash of despair passed through his eyes the brief moment they met mine.

  I closed my eyes as the tears fought through. I knew the truth, even though I didn’t want to admit it.

  “It already is.”

  Feeling my heart crumble, I turned and focused on the boat slip where Michael was waiting with Truman. I was certain they could hear the argument across the water, and stood defensively. Julian traversed the short distance over, and the men approached to help me off the boat. They did not speak as they recognized the tension radiating off of my body. Looking to Julian with disdain, Truman stepped forward and used his foot to shove the boat away from the edge after helping me off. As long as I was in this frame of mind, and under their watch, Julian was not welcome without my request. I went straight to the bathroom, closed the door, and stripped bare. Then I filled the tub with steaming water and sunk neck deep. Only one thought crossed my mind as my skin began to flush. Ignorance really was bliss.

  For nearly two hours, I poured fresh hot water into the bath as soon as it would cool. The large garden tub was surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows looking out onto the lake. Set up on a polished granite platform, the copper faucets and fixtures created a rustic refuge I utilized often. Returning from her morning rounds, my mother gently tapped on the door before entering. I sank beneath the surface and listened to her feet quietly walk across the floor, then I heard the weight of her body hit the wooden chair next to me. Only able to hold my breath so long, my swollen eyes could not stay hidden forever.