Forgetting Read online

  “Stella, there’s something you need to know about Julian,” Raina murmured.

  Growing even more anxious, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could sit still. Sensing my restlessness, she let out a deep breath and released my biggest fear.

  ~ Unveiled ~

  The truth about Julian and I was more than I was prepared to hear.

  “You were the love of his life. And I have a feeling you still are. Being around you is very difficult for him. But for the first time in over a decade, I see a glimpse of my little boy. Who he was before going off to war. You may have just seen him for the first time yesterday, but he’s been waiting a very long time to see you. Now I know that’s probably a lot to take in, but I don’t know how much longer I have, and I refuse to die leaving you in the dark.”

  Her words left me speechless, and brought my mother to her knees. The intensity of the situation had reached a climax, and I couldn’t take another moment. I squeezed Raina’s hands and apologized. “I . . . I am going to be outside. It was nice meeting you, Raina. I’m sorry, I just can’t be here. I’m sorry.”

  I ignored the calls for me to stop, and sprinted down the hill toward the dock. Paying no attention to being fully clothed, I barreled full speed to the end of the wooden path and dove head first into the cool lake. The crashing of water, and then silence as my body floated to the top, bubbles tickling my face as they slipped from my lips, was enough to quiet the turmoil. When I broke the surface of the water, I screamed in agony. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t think of a more unimaginable cruelty. After hearing Raina speak, I knew she was right, no matter how much I hated it. There was only so long I could be around Julian before the past would refuse to stay hidden. What else would fight its way through, despite my desire to live in what Raina so perfectly addressed “the dark?”

  Treading water, I slowly made my way back to the dock, then I hoisted myself onto the edge, catching my breath on the hard wooden planks. The sun quickly warmed my skin as I struggled to regain my composure. Covering my eyes with my arm, I listened to the steps on the dock as they approached. Anticipating it was my mother, or possibly Rebecca, checking on me, I remained in my spot. Not a word was said as the person sat quietly next to me, which meant only one thing. A moment later, I caught the distinct scent of the bakery in the breeze and turned my body away. The smell of comfort merely hours ago, was now one of torture.

  “Why are you here?” I grumbled out.

  He shifted in his seat, and I could hear the denim fibers rub against the wood grain, he was so close.

  “Well, this is my house. But I was called,” he replied flatly.

  I pushed myself up, and sat looking across the lake, refusing to make eye contact with Julian.

  “They shouldn’t have bothered you. You have too much to worry about. You don’t need to add me to it, especially since its hard being around me.”

  He pulled down the brim of his hat and washed his face with his hands, then growled loudly. “What did she tell you, Stella?”

  I shook my head, furious. What good did it do me knowing the truth about a situation I couldn’t change? I stood up and began to pace in small circles, waving my arms angrily. “That I’m your soul mate, or some shit. That you can’t stand being around me, and it’s driving her crazy. But don’t worry, you don’t have to play hero, Doc. I know soon enough I won’t be your problem. You can forget all about me and this town, and go back to your important life where you can save the day.”

  By time I finished, Julian was in my face, staring down hard at me, but not saying a word. For every step I took back, he moved forward.

  “Stella, stop.” He hissed.

  “You don’t know anything. You don’t even know me, so just stop.”

  My arms instinctively reacted, and pushed him off the side of the dock into the water. As he surfaced, I remained infuriated and shouted back. “If I knew how to stop it, don’t you think I would? I didn’t ask her to tell me that. She insisted, even when my mom told her not to. But you know what, it doesn’t matter, because it’s not me. I might have her body, but I don’t have her memories. You are right, I don’t know you, and whatever you had with her is gone, and I certainly know enough not to believe you would ever feel that way about me now.”

  I stormed off toward the house, and refused to turn around, even though I could hear the water splash as he climbed up the ladder. My mother and Rebecca were standing on the porch observing the heated exchange. I was soaking wet, but walked directly to the car and leaned against the side with folded arms. Julian moved onto the porch, past the women, and into the house. My mother followed him inside, and more confrontation took place among the group. I felt incredibly guilty that Julian could be so upset with Raina. I could only imagine where she was in her plight. I wanted to be angry at her, but I wasn’t. She loved her son, and she was protecting him.

  Julian emerged with dry clothes, and said nothing has he hopped back in his truck. He drove away in haste, spinning rocks in every direction as the wheels caught traction. My mother came out a bit later, with red, swollen eyes, and also remained silent as she stepped into her SUV. She took me back to our house without asking if I wanted to finish the rounds with her. I wanted to console her, but I had probably embarrassed her with my behavior. I knew the only way to make this right was to settle things with Julian. But first, I needed to make amends with Raina. I changed my clothes when my mother left, then began the walk a few miles down the road back to the Moreau’s home. I wasn’t sure what would come next, but it had to be better than this.

  ~ Dry Land ~

  The long walk gave me time to collect my thoughts and reflect on my behavior. Hopefully Raina was an understanding woman. Then again, she had to be, why else would she force the issue? It took about an hour to reach the edge of the gravel road that led down to the house. From a different view, I could see the hidden beauty of the property. Birds called out from all around as I meandered under the trees, through beams of sunshine illuminating the forest floor. It was the first walk during the day that I had taken alone, and I vowed to continue exploring the sprawling village along the lake.

  Rebecca’s car was no longer parked, and had been replaced by another bearing the same health care emblem. I walked around to the back door, lightly tapped on the glass, and waited for someone to answer. Raina saw me, and immediately called for her next aid to let me in. Giving a knowing smile, she beckoned me forward to take a seat.

  Before approaching the bedside, I began my apology. “Raina, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I . . . I just didn’t know what to do.” I breathed out heavily and plopped onto the chair next to her.

  Curiously she looked out at the patio. “Where is Sandy?” she asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “On her rounds. I went home and changed, then came right back here. I couldn’t stand to see her so upset, and I knew I needed to talk to you.”

  Raina reached out her hand for me, which I accepted without question. Squeezing affectionately, she laughed. “Stella, if you were not upset, I would be more concerned. I prefer to face challenges head on, rather than let them simmer into a bigger issue. This town knew who you and Julian were as a couple. I would hate for you to find out any other way. Although I love the idea of seeing you together, I have no delusions about the situation. He still carries a tremendous amount of love for you around with him, as do I, and your mama told me that there is no telling if and when your memory will come back.”

  I nodded my head in agreement at the statement.

  “Do you want to know more, Stella?” she asked quietly.

  Of course I did. Now that the door had been opened, my curiosity was no longer manageable. It was unfair of me to ask everyone not to tell me who I was because of actions I couldn’t remember. I only had one request. “Raina, I do, but I am not sure how much I am ready for yet.”

  She smiled brightly and pointed to the shelf against the wall lined with thick photo al
bums. “Of course, I will only go as far as you want, Stella. Please bring me the dark red one. It’s a favorite of mine.”

  I grazed my fingers along the plastic covered spines, feeling the aged cracks as I trailed to the one she desired. Before opening the book, I could see how the pages had yellowed over time, despite the sleeves protecting the paper memories. I sat down and propped the heavy book on my knees, to where Raina could see them, and opened the cover. The first two pictures I saw caused the breath to catch in my throat and my eyes to well up. It was one of me, just shortly after leaving Ohio, standing next to a younger Julian in formal wear. His hair was longer than it is now, with a slight curl. My dress was light pink with layers of tulle, and rhinestones across the strapless bodice. Julian was wearing a black suit, with a matching pink tie and kerchief sticking out of his pocket.

  We both laughed while turning each page and exploring the past. Julian and I were so carefree, often making silly faces in the photos. I didn’t remember any of it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t good. Like my mother had told me, I was happy, and it was because of him.

  “How did we meet, Raina? Julian and I?” I asked with a grin.

  Raina laughed loudly and flipped a few pages to the image of Julian and me on a boat. Our hair was drenched, clinging to our faces, and dripping down onto the bright orange life jackets with the sun setting behind us. The smiles on our face were bright.

  “Julian heard that a pretty new girl had moved to town and liked to sunbathe topless on her deck because she thought no one could see her. But if you had a boat, you could quietly putter into the cove, and if you were lucky, you would catch a glimpse of her.”

  My eyes grew wide as my mouth gaped open. I could see myself doing something like that to avoid tan lines. Knowing it was a town rumor brought a flush to my cheeks.

  “So that doesn’t explain how we met.” I giggled.

  Raising her brows, she continued to flip to the next page where there was a barbeque and my parents were grilling out. Julian was sitting next to his mother, eating at the picnic table.

  “He wasn’t content just seeing you from a distance, so he tied to your parents dock and went up to the porch to introduce himself. You screamed and ran inside embarrassed, but he waited on the dock for you to come back out. For three days straight. Both of your parents thought he had lost his mind, and your father threatened to call the police. However, Sandy thought it was a very romantic gesture, and eventually convinced you to talk to him. When you finally did, he was never the same again, and you two were inseparable.”

  I touched the image affectionately, while more questions began to surface. “But we did separate. My mom told me that I went away to school and he joined the Navy. Why didn’t he stay here to help you take care of things?”

  Raina’s hand grazed mine lightly. “Because of you. It takes a strong man to support a woman with big dreams. He knew he would need more than money to love you. His heart is like yours, and you were devoted to making the world a better place. He knew you would be gone for a long while, and it seemed the best solution for him to bide his time. When my husband Romain was alive, we were fine. It was only after he passed that I became ill and Julian felt obligated to return.”

  A heaviness fell over us as we flipped more pages. Julian’s boot camp pictures, my first lab coat with the UNC logo, his deployment party. Suddenly, the pictures of me were gone. It was only Julian, and he looked much different. His face was weathered, sunken, and cold.

  “He looks so much older in these ones,” I said with a deep sadness.

  Raina nodded her head and closed the book. “War changes people. He almost died. Julian was traveling with a group of Marines to another post when a roadside IED went off and killed two other men in the unit. Julian was knocked unconscious, and a fellow soldier pulled him to safety. He spent quite some time in the hospital getting better. They gave him a leave of absence for the holidays, and he was able to come home.”

  Setting the book off to the edge, she tilted her head and called for Weston, her next aid, to administer her medication. “I am so sorry Stella, but we must stop there. I am very tired. Perhaps you will come back again in few days. I’ve missed you.”

  Weston had already prepared the medication and administered it into her port. Within moments, she was sound asleep. Several hours had passed, and the sun was starting to set. I picked up the photo album, and a folded newspaper clipping slipped out of the back and fell to my feet. I bent over slightly to pick it up, and curiosity got the best of me. As my eyes scanned the large bold print, the album went crashing to the ground with a loud thud. The noise did not wake Raina, and Weston stepped back into the room to see what had happened.

  Smiling lightly, I picked up the book and walked it to the shelf. “I accidently dropped this.” I laughed.

  He nodded and went back to working at his laptop in the kitchen. I folded the article into a palm sized square and slipped it into my pocket for further inspection at a later time. I said goodbye to Weston, then excused myself and started the walk back home. Before I reached the end of the driveway, Julian pulled in quickly, slamming on his brakes once the headlights hit my body, and fish tailing in the gravel. I froze in the middle of the road only a few feet away from the large grill of the truck.

  Without turning off the engine, Julian opened the door and stomped toward me. “What the hell are you doing here? I almost hit you!”

  Annoyed and frightened by his aggressive behavior, I jumped back into his face. “You should be paying attention! What if I were a deer or something?”

  “You aren’t a fucking deer, though!” He growled.

  Julian paced back and forth under the bright lights that were casting long shadows against the trees. Upset by the possibility something terrible could have occurred, he breathed in and out forcefully to calm down. I didn’t want to fight with him anymore.

  Hoping to stop his frantic thoughts, I moved to keep him from walking any further and grabbed his face on both sides. “Julian, I am okay. Look at me,” I said sternly.

  His eyes were wild and lost. I wasn’t sure what else to do, so I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. His body shook in my embrace, and his arms pulled me even tighter.

  I repeated myself, but this time in a whisper, “Julian, I am okay.”

  He wasn’t ready to let me go for a long while, and I did not try to break away. I waited for his breathing to slow, and ran my fingers along his neck in slow, soothing motions.

  He stepped back and brought my chin up to meet his gaze. “Stella, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe I almost ran you over. I didn’t know you were here.” His voice cracked out.

  I tried to smile and hugged him again briefly. “Does this make us even?” I laughed.

  I felt a shiver as his hands trailed slowly down my spine, then his nose buried into the crook of my neck and nuzzled gently.

  “No, this doesn’t make us even. Shoving me off the dock just hurt my pride. I deserved it. It’s going to take me a little while to come down after this.” Julian’s hands were shaking with adrenaline. The sharp muscles in his jaw flexed as he clenched it tightly, and his pupils were encompassing the entire iris—he was in a nearly feral state.

  “What can I do to calm you down?” I asked.

  His labored breathing was not letting up. He walked to his truck, turned off the engine, and shut the doors. He grabbed my hand gently, and we walked down the path to the dock in the scant moonlight. Julian knew the trail by memory, and avoided the rocks and large roots that were potentially hazardous. I remained quiet as he guided me onto the sleek cigarette speedboat, then stepped in himself before untying the ropes and lifting the side bumpers. The twin engines fired with a purr, and we glided onto the black glass lake away from the world. Once past the no-wake zone, Julian told me to sit down or hold on. Unsure of what to grasp onto, I settled into the plush seat next to him. He pushed the throttle forward. The boat lifted, and began to fly into the night. A bright G
PS system guided him where his eyes could not see, as lights on the boat warned others of our approach.

  I watched Julian’s face remain like stone, lit up by the blue-hued screen. Occasionally he would glance toward me, holding my stare before looking back out into the darkness. Along the banks of the water, large luxurious homes dotted the landscape. For whatever reason, we appeared to be the only ones out in the early evening, which seemed strange for the late spring. It was only a Wednesday, however, and I had seen how busy it became on the weekends. We turned into a large, dark cove. Julian dropped anchor and turned off the engine.

  “I’ll be right back, okay?” he said before disappearing below the deck.

  He returned with a bundle of blankets and pillows, and set them on a seat while making the back bench row pull out into a flat bed. I watched tentatively as he stretched the blankets out, unsure of what he was doing.

  Sensing my uncertainty, he spoke without looking up. “Don’t worry, Stella. I will get you back tonight. I just thought you might like to see this.” He patted the bed and encouraged me to lay down next to him. The moment my head hit the pillow, I gasped. Above us, the night sky was so bright and brilliant, unlike anything I had ever seen before. There were so many stars, I was unable to comprehend how small I felt.

  “Oh my god, Julian. This is amazing! Is this what calms you down? You need to bring me out here more often! Look, there’s the Big Dipper, and Taurus!”

  I turned my head, and Julian was not looking into the night sky, but directly at me.

  “What? Why are you looking at me?” I asked with a smile.