Forgetting Read online

  He slowly lifted his hand to graze my cheek, and my eyes fluttered closed under his touch. Light fingers swept along the edge of my ear, down my neck, across my jaw, and over my lips. “I am thinking about what you said on the dock earlier. How you think I would never look at you that way.”

  Swallowing hard, I opened my eyes. “I shouldn’t have said that. It was just presumed. I know we were really happy together. I feel better knowing that I met you and we were in love. I don’t like not knowing what happened to tear us apart, but I also know that I am not that same person.”

  Julian’s brow furrowed. He moved his body to fully turn on his side, and I could smell the sweet yeast and sugar from the bakery. It was like an aphrodisiac, covering my brain in a blanket of warmth. He noticed me edge a bit closer and inhaled once again deeply, laughing slightly.

  “How do you know we were happy, Stella?” he asked curiously.

  I was unsure if he could see how much my face lit up.

  “I came back and apologized to your mom for freaking out. She asked if I wanted to know about us. We looked at pictures and she let me ask questions. For as much as I don’t want to know what happened, it is actually making me feel better to know what kind of life I had here. Before we moved I was so scared, and it feels like it was yesterday my mom told me we were coming down here. My whole life was ripped away. It means a lot knowing I was okay, that I found you.”

  Julian’s breathing increased, but not out of fear for my safety. I rubbed his arm affectionately and curled into his chest. Rather than yielding to my touch, his body grew frigid and rolled away.

  “I better get you back before your parents worry too much. I can bring you here again sometime if you like. It’s best when the moon is low, but even when it’s full it’s pretty nice.”

  Julian held out his hand and helped me down, then quickly pulled the blankets off of the berth and tossed them down the hole. Something had changed in him, but I dared not ask what. His battles were just as fierce as mine, just in a completely different way. If he wanted to open up to me, it would have to be his choice. Just as he wouldn’t force me, I had to offer the same respect. He fired up the boat once more, and flew in a new direction, across the lake to my parents’ dock. Seeing the house from a new perspective made me try to imagine Julian approaching for the first time, in hopes of catching a glimpse of me. Wondering if the same thoughts crossed his mind, a sadness washed over me. For every step I took forward, I took two more back. I thought he was just going to drop me off, and was surprised when he tied to the edge.

  “You don’t have to come up, Julian. I will be okay. The path is paved.”

  He raised his eyebrows and chuckled deeply. “Yeah, I just drop you off and Mr. Brady will have my ass. Trust me, you do not want to be on the receiving end of his wrath.”

  I wanted to laugh, but my jaw simply clenched, remembering dinner a few nights before and what I had told him. I knew all too well the coldness my father could possess.

  Realizing the mistake in his words, although innocent, he pulled me into a hug. “Stella, I’m sorry. You do know, so you understand. I won’t give him an excuse to keep us from seeing each other.”

  I laughed into his chest. “God, you would swear I really was seventeen, not in my thirties. I need to do something so I stop getting treated like a child.”

  Julian reached for my hand and walked slowly up the concrete stairs. “You are most definitely not a child. I know they feel responsible for you, as do I. It will get better. You are just starting to leave the house. The more you exert your independence, the more they will trust you are okay.”

  I squeezed his hand and stopped him before reaching the top step. “Can I see you tomorrow?” I questioned hopefully.

  Being so close to the house, I could see his face fully under the lamp. Slowly, his lip curved into a sly grin. “You can see me whenever you want. Just not in front of my truck scaring the shit of me. Can you manage that?”

  I balled my fists by my sides and stomped my foot. “Are you kidding me? Watch how fast you are going!”

  Julian raised his hands in defeat and backed away. “Fair enough.” He laughed.

  My parents must have heard us exchanging words, because Sandy walked out of the back door with a smile on her face.

  “Hey mom, sorry I didn’t call to tell you where I was. I hope I didn’t scare you.”

  She shook her head and smiled. “Weston sent me a text while you and Raina were talking. I assumed you were with Julian. Both of you need to come in here.”

  We looked at each other, and I started to grow tense. Julian rubbed my back to assure me it was going to be okay. As I followed both of them into the house, we walked into the kitchen where my mother had us sit at the table.

  “Mom, what’s going on?” I asked tentatively.

  She turned around and smiled, then pulled down two plates, setting them down in front of us.

  “Oh, nothing. I was just messing with you. Are you hungry?”

  ~ Prey ~

  After dinner, I walked Julian down to the dock to say goodbye. Although it wasn’t necessary, I found it harder and harder to let him walk away from me. Less than a week had passed since our paths crossed that morning, and I had already formed an attachment to him. Holding the flashlight cord and swinging it back and forth as he pulled the buoys in, I felt like a lost puppy. I shook my head and turned around, then started the walk back to the house.

  “Hey, Stella. Wait!”

  I looked over my shoulder, but wouldn’t turn around. This was ridiculous, he wasn’t leaving forever. “Yeah?” I replied casually.

  The look on his face told me he wasn’t buying it. He tilted his head curiously, and I watched as his eyes scanned me from head to toe.

  “Goodnight, Stella,” he said softly.

  I nodded my head and started walking again. The engine did not turn until I closed the glass door and turned off the light. Still sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of tea, my mother peered over her glasses and patted the seat next to her. She breathed out deeply, then took my hand and squeezed.

  Despite taking a sip of tea before speaking, her voice remained cracked. “I need to apologize to you, Stella. I’ve been reluctant to tell you anything, for fear it would do more harm than good. I know I was upset with Raina, but I am glad she did it, and I am glad you went back. She has more courage than I do. I just would never want to see your heart broken again.”

  I reached over and hugged my mom, consoling her with the fact that we were in this together. With damp faces, we laughed and created a mound of tissues on the table.

  I felt a little more bravery surface before sleep would come calling, and took the chance while it was there. “Mama, were Julian and I intimate?” I asked embarrassed.

  She nearly spit her tea across the table, not expecting that particular question. “Um. Why do you ask?” she choked out.

  Watching my mother squirm under the inquiry made me feel devious. It wasn’t my intention, but it spoke volumes without saying a word.

  “Just curious.” I laughed.

  She shook her head, took another drink and prepared to reply, then hesitated. “Stella, there are some things that neither Raina nor I should tell you when it comes to Julian. Now that you are aware of your past, I believe those types of things should come from him, not us.”

  I was frustrated at being denied more information, I had become greedy with knowledge. Most of all, I wanted to know why Julian reacted the way he did with me. Could he really look at me the same way he did when we were younger? For as much as I wanted to hope, the dark voice in the back of my head reminded me not to get too comfortable. This could all be over in a blink. Lying down, I cried myself to sleep, rather than indulge in thoughts of a future that didn’t belong to me.

  After some restless sleep, I once again awoke before dawn and started the trek to the bakery to keep myself occupied. While picking the dead leaves out of the hanging flower pots, I heard Julian cough as he
approached. Every step he took matched the thump in my chest, with each beat harder the closer he came.

  “Good morning,” he said in a sultry drawl.

  My heartbeat skipped and I turned away embarrassed.

  Concern hit Julian and he palmed my shoulders. “Stella, what’s wrong?”

  I shook my head and refused to make eye contact. “It’s stupid,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

  He used his hand to gently lift my chin, and I knew he wouldn’t let this go.

  “Nothing is stupid, talk to me.”

  Rather than fighting my feelings, I put them out there, and prepared to get shot down. They weren’t going away, and only amplified with each passing hour. “I have a problem. I really like you. I know it’s foolish, but I can’t shut it off. I shouldn’t have come here today. I’m sorry, you don’t need this right now.”

  Tears welled in my eyes, but Julian grabbed my arm as I started to bolt. His voice came out somewhat cold and distant. He was in doctor mode. “Stella, you can’t help how you feel, but that doesn’t make it foolish. I am glad you told me, and I hope you don’t regret it. I know it must have changed things to know who we used to be together, but I can’t be that person to you right now. It doesn’t mean I still don’t want to be your friend, so please don’t leave or shut me out. I can help you work through those feelings if you want me to.”

  I nodded and wiped my face. He was absolutely right, even though that wasn’t the answer I wanted. “Yeah, sure,” I replied quietly.

  While pulling pans out and measuring flour and sugar for the donuts, Julian started to ask me questions. “Tell me how you feel physically when you see me.”

  I started to blush, unsure how to answer, and even more embarrassed to confess it. I know he meant well, and I definitely needed to get over this, so I let it out. “I can’t breathe. My heart rate speeds up, my stomach goes into knots. I feel clammy.”

  Julian’s face was flat and without emotion while listening to my symptoms. If he felt anything toward me like I had previously thought, he wasn’t giving anything away in this moment. More emotions surfaced, and despite him not addressing the first set, I continued to tell him how I felt. “Right now, I feel sick and inadequate. I am ashamed, and I want nothing more than to run. But I know I can’t keep running away.”

  I punched the dough down hard and my fist hit the steel prep table. I cried out, and immediately Julian came over to check on me. Anger still lurched in my veins and I spit out venomously as he approached. “Stay away from me. I’m fine.”

  I held my sore arm close, then walked to the ice chest with a dish cloth and made a poultice to ease the swelling. Terry must have been waiting outside, as the swinging doors cracked timidly. Julian waved him in with a deep exhalation. Silently, he went about his duties in the middle of the standoff. I walked out and sat on the steps, watching the sunrise with tears streaming down my face. I was a complete wreck, and none of this was helping me feel better.

  Shortly thereafter, Julian sat next to me and spoke in the same clinical tone. “Stella, just like you had to relearn how to do some things physically, you have to work on them emotionally. For the past few months, you have been sheltered for the most part, and only given a little bit of the truth at time. Even in the past, you hid your emotions out of fear. You have the choice, as you said, to keep running from them, or facing them head on. You need to learn how to channel them, and know which feelings are appropriate, and which are not. Your impulsive nature can be tamed and used for good, or it can destroy you.”

  I continued to look off into the distance, only moving my head as Julian pulled my hand into his lap to inspect the bruising on my knuckles.

  “I am not rejecting you, Stella. I know it feels that way, but it’s not true. I just refuse to hurt you. I hope you can understand that.”

  I nodded silently and looked at my swollen hand. The skin had split in a few places, and was searing with pain. I didn’t realize I’d hit it that hard.

  “The amygdala is a bitch, Stella.” Julian chuckled.

  I looked at him curiously, then rewrapped my hand and stood to walk inside. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s the part of your brain that rules your emotions. It’s not the sympathetic nervous system that makes you feel the sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. The amygdala is a huge component when dealing with emotion, especially fear and memory.”

  I walked to the sink and allowed the cool water to run over my hand, then turned to Julian. “So you believe the way I feel about you is simply brain chemistry? It’s not real?”

  His face dropped then quickly went blank. “Stella, everything is real, but that doesn’t mean it’s what’s best. Your brain is responding the stimuli it’s encountering. From an evolutionary standpoint, I represent safety, sexual attraction, which leads to reproduction, stability, and protection. All things necessary for the survival of offspring. Being older, your biology is different than when you were seventeen. You are contending with mature hormones, and carefully honed genetics.”

  I turned the faucet off and lightly dried my hand, then walked past him to the ice machine once more. “A simple yes would have done just fine, doctor.”

  I could tell he wanted to continue the conversation, but more work was needed to get the bakery up and running. Unlike the previous morning I was there, Terry was not in a joking mood and worked quickly to make up for the time lost with our spat. I walked out of the kitchen and into the main area to clean fingerprints off the glass displays, restock napkins, and start the morning coffee. Julian let me be, and within an hour, the bakery was buzzing with the morning’s regulars.

  My hand started to throb, but I refused to let it get to me. I carefully put the soiled mugs and plates from the patio tables into the plastic bussing carts. While I was cleaning off one table, a gentleman at the one next to it removed his sunglasses and sat up.

  “Stella Brady, is that you?” he asked.

  Thinking it was someone from the town I hadn’t seen in a while, I smiled brightly. “Yep, sure is.” I laughed.

  The man stood to shake my hand, but I reached out the hand opposite the one he was extending. He looked down and saw the bruising on my knuckles and gave a look of concern.

  “Get in a brawl there, little lady? Good to know you still got it.” He chuckled.

  I furrowed my brow and sighed. “Yes, the rye bread dough took one of my right hooks like a champ.”

  He chuckled again, but uncomfortably. I noticed he kept looking behind me, but each time I went to look, he quickly started speaking, gathering my attention again. “So Stella, you’re working at this bakery now? That’s quite a change.”

  I shook my head. “I am just keeping myself busy. I don’t get paid or anything. I just enjoy meeting everyone.”

  Right then, I heard two men get into a shouting match. I turned to see Julian holding a large camera. He pulled something out of it and put it into his pocket, before smashing the camera on the ground. The man talking to me ran over and joined in the argument, as Julian stormed toward me, pulling me into the bakery and locking the door.

  Angrily, he shouted for me not to leave, and instructed the staff to shut everything down before charging back outside. I listened to the altercation taking place between the three men before hearing sirens coming in the distance. The words “reporter,” “privacy,” and “lawsuit” were shouted before the police finally forced the men to step away. Julian remained outside with the police for several more moments, before coming in shaking with fury, walking straight into the kitchen, and throwing things around angrily. The officer stood inside the front door and observed for a few minutes, before asking if I was Stella Brady. Julian came back out and appeared a bit calmer, but his nostrils were still flared defensively.

  “Julian, I need to talk to Miss Brady alone, mind if I use the kitchen?” The officer asked.

  He didn’t verbally respond, just simply held his hand toward the door before going behind the counter to help t
he others finish closing early. I followed the officer into the kitchen, apprehensive of what was about to be asked.

  “Miss Brady, I am Sheriff Newman. I need to ask you a few questions about the man who was talking to you a bit ago. Do you know who he was?”

  I shook my head. “No, I just assumed he was someone from the town that I didn’t remember. Why?” Sheriff Newman scrawled a few things down on a small notebook before continuing. “What was he talking to you about?”

  I shrugged and tried to recall the conversation. “Not much, just asked about me working at the bakery, and my hand. I explained that I’d punched the bread dough too hard and it hit the table. But he did make a comment that it was good I still had it. I didn’t think much of it.”

  A few more things were written down before another question came. “Did you notice the man doing anything odd while you were talking to him?”

  I remembered the man’s behavior and nodded. “Yes. He was looking off in the direction of where Julian and that man got into the fight. I wasn’t sure what he was looking at, and every time I turned around, he would say something that would make me start talking again.”

  “So you didn’t actually see the man until after the fight started?”

  “No, I didn’t. I heard the shouting, and the man went over while Julian pulled me into the bakery. What happened?”

  Sheriff Newman closed his notebook and slipped it into his front pocket. Then he took off his light grey hat, and rubbed his balding head before putting it back down. “Well, ma’am. It appears he was a celebrity reporter of some sort, doing a scoop on you. Julian must have seen the photographer hiding and grabbed his camera before the guy took off. Now I don’t condone damage to someone’s property, but considering how you got hurt, I am taking Julian’s side on this.”

  My eyes widened at the sheriffs comment. “You know how I got hurt?”

  His face was sad as he placed his right hand on my shoulder gently. “Stella, there isn’t much about your life that isn’t on the internet. Nobody knew you were down here until recently, so you haven’t been exposed to these vultures. We will do the best we can to protect you, but you really need to start watching out for yourself. You can’t be going out alone anymore, and your parents should probably get a security system on their place. I know it’s an inconvenience, but we hear stories about this stuff all the time. People are crazy.”